Heart pains

I suppose I always thought I couldn't care less about planning for my future. I mean, I used to say things like "God is in control", "He knows best", "I don't want to plan ahead because His plans might be different", etc etc. But seriously, these months I have seen things come up before me, opportunities that I knew to be great, but was initially hesitant to get into because they may not be for me.


Gradually, I began to accept those things. I thought, "hey, why not try?" And so I began to commit, and had my heart set on plans that seemed to form smoothly on their own. I went ahead and said yes to our church's youth camp - even as far as being one of the core team, then I said yes to the national youth camp. I mean, might as well make wise use of my summer!

Then I failed to graduate from college.

I had studied my ass off for this one subject, and still I failed.

So now, my satisfactorily mapped out summer has all gone to shambles. Summer class, anyone? One by one, I saw opportunities taken away from me.

It is an understatement to say, I am hurt.

Why would God introduce those things to me, yet take them away and give them to others? As I write, I remember Job; God gives, and God takes away. Truthfully, I know that God knows what He's doing, and He has plans that I may not understand. Perhaps in due time, I will be perfected in humility and whatever else. But for now?

I am just plainly hurt. And angry. I don't even care if I have a right to be, you know?