At the end of the day

It's him I miss... I don't tell him because when I say it, it doesn't do the truth justice. Words are just words... I don't desire to love with just words. But in our situation, the only way to reach him is through letters that the Internet relays, when I wish it was me on my way to him instead, or him on his way to me.

It's him I want to see... to sit beside me - to watch a movie with. To laugh with.

It's sad, but it's something I have to live with for now... Crying helps :)

Up early

Amazing, ey? First time in MANY weeks that I'm actually up early when it isn't mandatory. It wasn't even 7 yet when I got up :)

Last night the electricity was out, so that put me to bed early - which was just as well, because I was tired.

As soon as I was in bed, I cried and cried and cried...

Because I miss my South African. Even now I do.

And aside from that, I was hurting for some people. But I am assured that God is listening to my prayers, and to the prayers of my friends. What I ask now is that we will be sensitive to Him speaking to us.

We need your grace, Lord. Thank you for this new day, and your new mercies. I love You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

I haven't showered yet, but I have to go take Mango to the vet... She's been behaving droopy and strange since yesterday. I think it's fever. I pray for her healing, amen.

God bless you all!

I was

Something changed. I know it, I can sense it.

Yesterday I kept thinking to myself how hard my heart has become, or how indifferent I've been these days, and so on-

but I see now that my heart isn't hard. I have just become stronger.

Did I grow up?

:)

I Can't Put You In A Box

Having gone to bed at around 11PM last night, I expected to be in deep sleep until morning. But I woke up and saw that it was still 3AM. Maybe it's a body clock thing, or maybe it was the coffee I drank late at work, but I find that it is always around that time that God wakes me up to pray for specific people, strangers I can picture in my heart, or His other children scattered all over the world. It is also around that time that He just wants me to spend time with Him. How do I know? Because His name is always the first thing I utter when I wake up, and His presence gets so tangible in my room.

Regarding my previous entry, I should tell you that right after I posted it, the Lord rebuked me, letting my heart realize that I did not know Him, and I was in trouble. I believe He did show me different sides of His character all through my life, but I was quick to acknowledge His loving kindness, and just as quick to ignore or resent His just nature.

So when I woke up at 3AM, I got to think about God's presence in my life. Over these years and especially these recent months, He allowed me to experience different responses towards Him. I had gone through being insecure about His love for me, being deeply in love and devoted to Him, questioning His reality, being indifferent about Him, being in awe of His glory and power, being afraid of Him, being angry at Him, and even to the point of hating Him - in that order.

But what shook me up the most was the realization that I did not really know Him, and even if I did know bits and bobs, I did not really understand.

Well, I had to admit to God and myself that I had always secretly harbored confusion about His character. In my mind I had, over the years, asked questions like, how could He be like this and that at the same time?

And having openly confessed my confusion to Him, I asked Him to reveal the truth of His character to me.

I may never entirely understand Him in this lifetime, but I pray that He will teach my heart to trust. And so, in addition to the race set out before me, God has caused me to embark on a new journey of getting to know His nature.

And just so you know, He wouldn't let me sleep again until after I prayed for specific people in my life. Oh, Lord :) Well, I am honored.

God bless you all!

Heart pains

I suppose I always thought I couldn't care less about planning for my future. I mean, I used to say things like "God is in control", "He knows best", "I don't want to plan ahead because His plans might be different", etc etc. But seriously, these months I have seen things come up before me, opportunities that I knew to be great, but was initially hesitant to get into because they may not be for me.


Gradually, I began to accept those things. I thought, "hey, why not try?" And so I began to commit, and had my heart set on plans that seemed to form smoothly on their own. I went ahead and said yes to our church's youth camp - even as far as being one of the core team, then I said yes to the national youth camp. I mean, might as well make wise use of my summer!

Then I failed to graduate from college.

I had studied my ass off for this one subject, and still I failed.

So now, my satisfactorily mapped out summer has all gone to shambles. Summer class, anyone? One by one, I saw opportunities taken away from me.

It is an understatement to say, I am hurt.

Why would God introduce those things to me, yet take them away and give them to others? As I write, I remember Job; God gives, and God takes away. Truthfully, I know that God knows what He's doing, and He has plans that I may not understand. Perhaps in due time, I will be perfected in humility and whatever else. But for now?

I am just plainly hurt. And angry. I don't even care if I have a right to be, you know?